Dear Jackson,

April 27, 2010

More than a picture

Filed under: Birth to 1 year-old, Uncategorized — Tags: — aJOHNymous @ 2:55 pm

There’s a particular picture of you that I have stapled to one of my cubicle walls at work.

It’s just close-up picture of you sitting in your car seat. I believe it was taken while we were on vacation in Orlando a few months ago. A few times during the work day I’ll glance over to my right and just stare at this picture for a few seconds while I wonder just what you’re thinking in that frozen moment.

Your face is completely blank and devoid of any discernible emotion. But your eyes—there’s just something behind your eyes. It’s something that perhaps only a baby can know. It’s innocence, I suppose. You don’t yet know the difference between good and bad, right and wrong, or pain and pleasure. But at the same time, your eyes can sometimes contradict that reality. There are times when I’ll look at this picture and see a profound sadness behind your eyes. It’s as if your innocence has been compromised in some way—I don’t know. It sounds foolish, right? Perhaps I’m just projecting my emotions onto your face and interpreting that same image differently based on my mood at the time.

Listen to me—trying to psychoanalyze myself again. And via a picture of you no less.

Still, I sometimes find myself haunted by this picture. From your blank expression, to your buckled in and protected little body, to the yellow WARNING tag affixed to the car seat itself; it keeps me wondering.

I could go on and on about how you have your whole life in front of you and this picture speaks to that, but I won’t. I find myself attempting to do that far too often in these letters. I’ll no doubt elaborate on that topic many more times throughout your life, but for now, I’ll stick with the ‘less is more’ cliché and just let you know how affected I am by this picture.

You may ask yourself why I chose to hang this picture up if it causes me to daydream at work so much. Well, that’s exactly why I hung it up. You’re my favorite distraction, and keeping my eye on your future helps keep me motivated.

It’s really that simple.

To my left are a few of my favorite pictures of you smiling and laughing and looking like the spunky little guy that you are. The juxtaposition of happy on one side and unsure on the other just speaks to my obsession with the duality of the human condition. You can’t have one without the other and I feel like the scale is perfectly balanced this way.

 It makes me feel more…comfortable. Crazy, right?



April 9, 2010

Enter the Procrastinator

Filed under: Birth to 1 year-old, Life lessons — Tags: , — aJOHNymous @ 10:02 am

The first quarter of 2010 is almost over and I am really starting to fall behind on my resolutions for the year. Let’s review my progress, shall we?

1. Write more. [PASS]
– I started two new screenplays and am developing ideas for a third

2. Learn to play the guitar. [FAIL]
– I haven’t even pulled mu guitar from its case

3. Work out, eat healthy, and take better care of myself. [INCOMPLETE]
– I get on the elliptical 2-3 times a week
– I am struggling to maintain good eating habits
– I have only lifted weights 2 or 3 times this quarter

4. Write more. [PASS]

5. Talk to a therapist about my many issues. [FAIL]
– I have one picked out, now it’s just a matter of squaring away insurance coverage and calling to set up an appointment

6. Be a better son, husband, and father. [INCOMPLETE]
– I’m still very internal with my emotions and have had a few too many arguments with your mom
– I am trying to be the best father that I can be and am having fun in the process
– I have yet to really open up to my parents about all of my personal issues

7. Write more. [PASS]

8. Be happier. [FAIL]
– I still find myself to be a very negative person with the same fears that I’ve always had
– I have not yet met with a therapist to discuss working on these issues

9. Turn a hobby into some sort of an income. [FAIL]
– I haven’t even thought about this since I added it to my list of resolutions

10. Slow down. [INCOMPLETE]
– I’m trying to slow down and enjoy the ride, but at times, my negativity directly affects how quickly I hope each day will pass

It seems as if I’m just continuing to make the same mistakes and live the same life I was living for the past few years. I still haven’t been able to man up and make the decisions that will ultimately better me as a human being. I keep putting off many of these out of sheer laziness. I’ve got to figure out a way to stay motivated. Along with finding motivation, I need to find the courage to ultimately make many of these decisions. I’ve just become too attached to my current routine that I fear changing it.

Hey, there’s that word again: FEAR.

I have got to break this cycle. You’re getting to be that age where my actions are going to start having an impact on your understanding of the world. I need to be able to use these letters to you as a window into the past of a man that you’ve never met before. You deserve better than the man that I am today. Perhaps that can be my motivation.

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